Monthly Archives: November 2014

Ablaze

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I think my life and the pursuit of my dreams is better represented by a fire ablaze instead of a swim in the ocean. Once started, a fire needs to be re-fueled. You can’t expect it to continue to burn forever without stoking it. The quality of the fuel also matters. Trash, litter, twigs, and leaves won’t last long. You gotta give it a foundation such as firewood or charcoal. And it needs a solid, reliable foundation. Anything that you add to the fire that is too liquid will act like water or gasoline and extinguish or explode it respectively. The quantity of the fuel also matters. Use too much wood and you might suffocate it. Too little and you risk it dwindling down. Fanning a fire expands it to an extent but a gust too powerful wipes it out.

Every flicker of the flame will provide warmth but it can also burn. Every spark of fire provides light and direction in the darkness but can also jump out and blind. Underneath all of these ashes are hot embers that glow red. Rekindle and set ablaze a consuming fire within me, I pray. Come and take it.

Reflections

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Usually before you decide to go somewhere for an extended period of time you want some kind of idea of what it will be like. It’s scouting ahead and making sure stuff is real. You’ll be able to see the things you like, point out the things you don’t like, and experience the possibilities that exist.

As you walk on a sunny day alongside buildings with shiny, transparent window walls you might glimpse an entire spectrum of images. One of the first images you probably notice is your reflection. It’s staring back at you and you can’t really control it separately. What I mean is, your reflection will continue to mimic all of your future actions. It obviously shows you what you’re currently doing. But you can’t freeze time and make your reflection do something else. Take a step forward, it will take a step forward. Take a step back, it will take a step back. You can’t really change your reflection either. You might wish it had looked a certain way by now. You could imagine what it would be like if you had done certain things in the past. But it remains the same. You can try to distort your reflection by going up and smudging the clear glass. You can hide one section of the building and block it off from your view with a large opaque wall. You could also look away and pretend it’s not there. That way it won’t look at you either. Right?

As I reflect, I realize there is a second image. I focus my gaze inside my chosen building. Let’s just say there are a bunch of things I want inside there. And I mean, I’ve seen the other buildings. Some of them don’t even have windows. Others have small windows. A couple have similar windows as my building. But.. they are different. First of all, it’s freaking scary because my reflections are doing something different when I look at the other buildings. They’re all pointing and looking towards my building. Second, they’ve got automatic, motion detector doors. I could just walk right in and sit myself down. But I don’t think I’d want to live there. Lastly, the important difference about the other buildings. I’m not able to focus on the second image. All that’s in focus is my reflection.

Oops. I need to re-focus.

Donkey

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It’s some type of animal. I couldn’t really think of anything to say beyond that and I’m too lazy to do so. I guess that shows my disdain. I’m not really comfortable with the cruder term as a title.

There’s a term used in poker to describe a bad player. Back in the days when I was fascinated by the game, I specifically remember a friend crying out, “What a donk!” This was usually a venting of frustration and anger that occurred when a “player” (read: bad player who has no clue of how to play properly) actually ended up winning the hand. Of course, these types of situations are known as a bad beat to the stronger player. And as if these bad players aren’t frustrating enough, the most appalling thing to ever occur is when they act proud of it. Actually, they don’t even need to be proud. If they don’t understand the amount of anguish they cause, if they offer no remorse for their senseless and reckless acts, they are the epitome of disregard for other players and the game.

The situation I imagined assumes both players have showed their hands to each other already. After all, you can’t bluff a hand when your cards are face up on the table. My question involves a hand that’s not over yet. How do you bet when you know that there are a lot of “donks” out there? Pre-flop, post-flop, the turn, the river. All of these require a decision to be made. Sometimes a donkey can make you question if you know what you’re doing. I have a story. Hopefully someone will be able to read it.

The Days Are Just Packed

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Thoughts

Ambition

Life Goes On

Smock

Selective

Denial

Cynic

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> mongo
> show dbs
> use world
> show collections
> db.USA.aggregate([{“$group”:{“_id”:{“state”:”$state”},”num_cynics”:{$sum:”$cynics”}}}])

{“_id”:{“state”:”TX”},”num_cynics”:1}

Theme – Honestly

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Honestly. The word that I’ve noticed many people, myself included, use to preface a revelation of some sort. It kind of gives off this vibe that perhaps part of the truth was obscured or hidden. It prepares the listener to perk up their ears because what is coming next is not fake. It is real. It is genuine.
Another theme is showing up. So today an old friend contacted me. One of my closer friends from high school and possibly going through a similar situation as me. Nothing is set in stone but the mere chance of a reunion sends my thoughts into overdrive. So many coincidences I want to make sense of. Exciting, intriguing, interesting. Honestly, it’s a small world.

Zugzwang

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There’s a term used in chess to describe a situation in which the player will regret any move they make because of the position it will put them in. It’s a tough situation because the decision-making process is focused on finding the move resulting in a better position despite the fact that each position is undesirable. If only you could take-back the moves that led up to this, because now you concretely realize the moves you wanted to make. And it doesn’t really help when you keep thinking about how the position would be so much better had you decided on the other variation. Alas, the game must progress and a move must be made unless you want to sit there and think in misery until time runs out.

I think the most annoying thing is the loss of tempos. I feel regret over wasted opportunities and I’m starting in the exact position that I was already in before. It’s like I wasted a bunch of moves and time. And then there’s also the irony and the paradoxes floating around in my mind. On one hand, I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t blindly followed some opening someone suggested to use; I’d be better off if I took the time to understand the theory behind it, or if I paved the foundation for my own journey. On the other hand, I want to be in this situation because it confirms the intuition I had beforehand; I learned so much and gained experience I wouldn’t have without it, and I’d have it no other way.

Against all odds, when things seem stacked against you, in bleak situations. People will say you can’t do something, they’ll think they have you trapped and in zugzwang, and expect you to resign. Search for the context and find your move. It’s almost your turn. Be prepared.

Design

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A fortress is typically built when a town needs protection. It’s a stronghold, an impenetrable system designed around the town. It’s seemingly flawless after construction, a beacon of strength and power that deters approaching enemies. The leader of the town foresaw the coming war and properly prepared for the battle. It was well designed and a perfect solution to the problem.

Except, now we have more problems. A lot of them. The war is over. The town has grown into a city. The people in the city have no more use for their weapons and hoarding of supplies. The city needs to build roads to provide a way to trade with other cities. The city needs to send resources to protect other cities. The city needs to do a lot of things. Apparently, a fortress is not a good design for a city.

Writer’s Block

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Time is ticking down.
Something’s coming up and I can’t even

Why?

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Alright. What gives. Let me go contemplate: what is life? Why is life? Nothing makes sense. The series of unfortunate events.

This is some next level prank show stuff. Someone set me up.

Case 1: Looking at some photos on facebook. I see a very familiar location. I start to think about the people there. Friend texts me. Guess where he is? Why?
Case 2: Go back to preparation for next week. I start to think about where I’ll get the equipment I need if I can’t borrow from my sister. Guess who texts me this time? Why?
Case 3: Decide to take a break by playing a game. Friend texts me about playing. At this point I’m clueless. Guess what I ask myself? Why?
Case 4: So I realize I’m not getting any work done. I can probably get it done Sunday though. Nope. Friend texts me to say he’s going to be late on Sunday. I remember what I’m doing. Why?
Case 5: This is hopefully the last one. I’m certainly not going to be surprised after this one anyways. So there used to be a guy named Phil in my class but he dropped at the beginning of the semester. What happened is some other guy named Phil texts me. He knows my name. But he’s asking for the homework due tonight. I have no homework tonight. Turns out he’s in some pre-cal class. I’m not in a pre-cal class. I say, “I think you have the wrong number”, because at this point, I’m not sure if he has the wrong number, I’m not sure if this is the same Phil that I met a while ago, and I’m now questioning if I’m in a pre-cal class,. I wouldn’t be surprised though if it shows up on my transcript. Why?

Never mind, I don’t want to think about things that could possibly surprise me now. Why? The answer is easy. The answer is also not easy. At the same time. I have no more words. I’m done.