Monthly Archives: December 2014



agónia versus agapé

I used to compete solely in order to prove my worth. I derived all my value based on the result of my success or failure. In a competition, everyone loses something. What I mean is: whenever you are in a competition you are using up valuable assets. You are fighting for something of value, but the struggle is sure to incur a heavy toll on everyone’s precious resources. How did this apply to me?

  • If I succeeded
    • I felt proud and loved because I was receiving (in reality taking) from everyone else.
  • If I failed
    • I felt unloved, worthless, and I remember an all too familiar agony that accompanied this loss, absorbing everything I had put in and leaving me as a dried up sponge.

    I think I understand better why I no longer truly have that “killer instinct” that led me to succeed at all costs in order to survive in a competition. Thankfully, my agony is being redeemed into something greater – love, or agapé. I’m beginning to realize how much more powerful agapé is. I still don’t fully understand the concept. But it’s this contrast between a fear of losing resources (agony) and a giving of resources (love).

    Especially in the context of competition, the ability to give resources is far better than the ability to fear the loss of resources. In fact, they may be mutually exclusive. For example, the ability to love myself or my enemy will give me complete mastery. Complete mastery of myself. Complete mastery of my enemy. Meanwhile, the ability to fear doesn’t really give you mastery of anything. It kind of just paralyzes you. I’m not really sure how else to explain the concept. If I’m able to love myself and give away my precious resources, I can easily overcome any enemy who only fears losing his constantly decreasing resources. I can tap into my vast array and utilize all of mine. Meanwhile, any enemy will be inflexible and fixed on only one strategy: receiving resources. And that’s all they can do. In a competition, you need to be able to use your resources. That’s the whole concept. How are you going to compete against someone who has the power to give themselves resources when you yourself only takes them but never uses them?

    The ability to love is what is important. Love yourself and you can go up versus anything again. In the future I want to learn how to show others how to love themselves because people loved me and showed me how to do so. For myself, this is how I’ll be able to overcome any competition.



    “It’s impossible to go through life unscathed. Nor should you want to. By the hurts we accumulate, we measure both our follies and our accomplishments.”



    “When I saw Fäolin fall, I understood then that the true agony of war isn’t being wounded yourself, it’s having to watch those you care about being hurt.”



    Whenever I see a large group of people together, I wonder: what connection do they all have in common? Why do I see these people meeting together, again?

    I see most of my family again around the holidays when everyone is free from work, school, and other commitments. The common meeting place for my family is usually the cemetery. As I go, I have many thoughts. For simplicity, a list from today in rough order:

      Memories of my grandparents from my mom’s side
      A hundred years from now, will people remember me?
      Is life not in vain if death comes again and again?
      What are things that are worthy enough to spend my life doing?
      Everything it seems will pass away, what can withstand the test of time and what can evade death?
      What will endure?
      When will this occur again?

    To my friend:
    Maybe you feel like a “tiny dog” again. Personally, I want to give advice but I need more context. But again, I don’t think giving advice is that great. All I know is this: let’s spend time together again.

    Sometimes I get tired of thinking and I want to find rest, again. I want to find peace, again. I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life and I need direction, again. Using the word “again” implies that something happened previously. All I know is: we all need you to come again.

    Would you come?



    “I apologize for yelling and for verbally attacking you.”

    “I (however) do not apologize for who I am and who I might become just because it might not agree with your wishes.”



    Why do people act so cocky? I guess I act that way sometimes, but I actually have the nuts. Are they blind? A little respect would be nice. I’m not in a bad position at all. Do they think I’ll fold just because the stakes are raised? I’m already committed. I’m excited for a showdown.



    The battle might be over. The defeat might be excruciating. The war however is not over until you abandon all your strategies and give up.

    “Thus, what is of supreme importance in war is to attack the enemy’s strategy” – Sun Tzu

    You believe it’s over. You might have lost a battle. Will you concede the war based on one battle? Someone has attacked your strategy. Maybe they succeeded in foiling one strategy. Please don’t tell me it’s over. I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to believe that. I’m someone who has suffered many losses and defeats. I used to be known as that guy who wouldn’t give up even if the battle was clearly over. People hated me for it. I never cared even if I myself believed the battle was over. They had to shove it in my face and force-feed me every loss and defeat if they wanted it to happen. I’ll scratch, claw, bite, and kick every minute of it too. A lot of times that’s all it took. That one extra effort. Sometimes it took two. Sometimes it took more. It doesn’t matter. Give them hell and see if anyone will be willing to go through it for an entire war. They might be able to withstand your determination for a battle. A war though? The only way you will be defeated in a war is if you let the attack on your strategy succeed. Battles mean nothing. Well, sure they mean something but keep fighting; the worst defeat in a battle will end up being more beneficial in the long run as long as you never give up on your strategy for the war.

    “If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.” – Sun Tzu

    You’re going to have to commit resources to some strategy. Maybe it’s an old strategy, maybe it’s a new strategy. Learn more about yourself and learn more about the enemy first. Then come up with a decision on which strategy is best to commit to. You will likely have defeats. You will have victories. There will be peacetime but also bloodshed. Make sure your strategy has goals that will be worth fighting many battles and even an entire war for.



    I feel like I get so much more easily irritated and impatient when I’m in pain. It’s like there’s an extra burden added to every occurrence that makes it harder to manage. There’s a silver lining to handicaps though. If I’m able to stay patient and control my emotions now, it’ll be like taking off training wheels and be so much easier later. A burden can be used for training. On a side note, tow truck drivers know something the rest of us humans don’t. I saw like five of them between two exits of the freeway today. They were perched like vultures and hoping they would be in the right place at the right time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they can predict the future.



    When I exercise I don’t really think about the negative consequences that are possible. I generally focus on positive thoughts such as increase in strength, energy, endurance, and not wasting my gym membership. However, injuries do occur and when they do I’m reminded of the pain. At first it’s the sharp stinging pain rippling down your nerves that signal for help. Then there’s the dull pain that’s accompanied by the apprehension of experiencing the piercing stab again. There’s not much you can do after you strain a muscle. Over time, rest and recovery will return the muscle to a previous level of vitality. I want it to recover faster or for it to heal quickly but I know it isn’t in my control. I can try to help through distraction or by numbing the pain but that could prove detrimental.

    Once it heals, it will be wise to build up its strength and to gain confidence slowly but surely. I wouldn’t trust it to jump right back into action. The soreness and mildly annoying ache after a good workout will reveal growth and strength. There’s this balance between getting complacent, forgetting the muscle will atrophy due to inactivity and giving it time to recover from the injury. Right now it’s pretty clear though. My injured muscle will need some time before I exercise it again.



    There is an animal laying on a small ledge beside a deep, flowing river. It somehow glistens in the dim moonlight as I saunter towards it. Slowly wiping away the branches and leaves that obstruct my path, I step out of the trees and pause as I look down upon the animal. It’s a beautiful animal, yet no features betray it in order for it to be categorized with a name. It hums a peaceful melody as its gentle scent infiltrates my senses. As I reach down, two fingers just barely graze its skin. In that brief moment I experience the comfort of a soft, yet firm and reassuring touch. Suddenly, I am startled as the animal slips away from my grasp and scrambles away like a lizard. It tumbles off the ledge as I instantly stretch my neck in order to see its fate. Like a graceful diver it hits the surface of the water and then slowly descends into a mysterious shadow and a remnant of a once intriguing shape. I consider diving in after it despite the vast uncertainty and perilous nature of the river. I could have sworn the animal was just beside me, but now I begin to doubt its existence.

    “You cannot miss what you have never had.”

    It’s hard for me to remember things after I dream. Even if I have just woken up, the shock and disappointment in realizing that I was dreaming punches me in the head as if to give me a concussion. As I recover from my unconsciousness I seem to have forgotten those precious details of the story. My first thoughts analyze and then destroy the premise that my experience was real when they can’t recover what was once so vivid and energetic. I miss certain dreams.